Storming the Embassy – 14 June 2014

Will and Gav showed up at my house in the evening, claiming it was national mushroom pizza day, and that we must get some mushroom pizzas to celebrate. We went and got two frozen pizzas at the store, but we still needed mushrooms. We picked up Sean, and then the four of us headed over to this park next to Nick’s house.

We parked on the curb, and Will got out and headed deep into the park. He was looking around very suspiciously with his bright red shirt. While we watched him, we kept entertaining each other with various crazy ‘what-if’ statements.

“What if the guy pulls up and just pulls Will into his car and drives away?”

“Watch, we’re gonna just hear POP POP and then Will’s going to fall over. If that happens, we’re gonna fucking scram fast.”

“Look at him out there, he’s wearing the exact worse thing you can wear to do something like this. He looks like he has no idea what he’s doing.”

He walked back and forth through the trees on the other end of the park, occasionally talking on his phone. After several minutes, a car pulled up next to him, and he leaned in the passenger window. 30 seconds later, the car pulled away and turned a corner, now heading towards our car. The car drove past, I saw three people inside, all wearing sunglasses. The driver was a bald guy who turned his head to watch us as he went by.

Will walked back over to us and hopped in our car, he produced a ziplock bag full of white mushrooms. We passed the bag around and each took a turn studying it.

We decided to go to this beach in Port Hueneme, because we knew it would be somewhat secluded. First, though, we need some provisions. We went around Hueneme looking for a store, and the whole place just looked super trashy. We thought every other person was about to jump or mug us. There were so few white people there, that we made a game of finding them like Where’s Waldo. We told Sean, our token Mexican, that if people come to rob us, he must repeat the phrase “no, estos gringos están conmigo.”

So we pulled into the parking lot of this supermarket, and on the big sign we see that there was a place nearby that sold $1 Chinese food. We were like “nope nope nope nope!” We went inside the supermarket and picked out some oragne juice, some jugs of water, and some penut granola bars.

When Will was putting the stuff on the conveyor, he turned his back for a second, and Gavin snuck some chocolate covered granola bars on top. I started snickering noticably and Gavin asked me “what’s so funny Rob?”

We went over to this beach, and there was a parking fee. We waited in the car for Sean to go check it out, but while we were waiting there, a cop pulled up right behind us and just sat there, peering out the window at our car.

Will said “look at them through the rear-view mirror, but don’t turn around, and if they want to talk to you, get out of the car and close the door first.”

The cop ended up leaving finally, but we were too spooked out, so we went to a different beach. This one closed at 10PM, so we had about three hours. We walked out onto the sand and into some dunes. The sky was slightly overcast, and the beach was empty for the most part, but there were long lines of people on either side to us a few hundred meters away. We decided that they were probably queues for an old lady gangbang.

We sat, nestled between some dunes to shield us from view, and everyone except me snacked on the shroomies. With that out of the way, we went walking down the beach to start our journey. We came upon a giant crater in the sand, big enough to fit the four of us comfortably inside, so we slid down the walls of it and rested a while.

Gav and I realized that we hadn’t gone to the bathroom for a while, and we needed to find a good place, so we told the others that we’d be right back, and started back up the shore. We searched among the dunes, but there was no place completely void of eyes, so I suggested that we headed toward the nearest structure.

The place turned out to be some sort of high end club or resort, and it didn’t look like we were allowed in. There was a metal keycard gate that was cracked open slightly. Gavin walked over to it, and lightly pushed it open. He motions for me to follow, and I did.

We walked around this outdoor courtyard filled with a maze of streams, bridges, and waterfalls. Everything looked so high end, that we had to snap multiple pictures of it, thinking that no one would believe us when we told them later.

We went in circles a few times before realizing that we were completely lost. We saw a guy folding towels next to the outdoor section of a cafe, and Gavin asked him where the bathroom was.

“Oh, our bathrooms are down that path,” he pointed, “through the recreation room, on the first door to the left.”

“Great, thank you!” Gavin said confidently.

We followed the guy’s instructions into a lounge-like room. There were comfortable couches, a TV mounted on the wall, a bar with some colorful bottles aligned on it, and three adolescents playing ping-pong at a table on the side.

On the other side of the room was a door, which looked a little bit like a fire exit. We weren’t sure if that was the right door, but there were no other ones, so Gavin pushed it open slowly, revealing a hallway. Sure enough, there were some bathrooms right to our left.

There was only one urinal, so Gavin motioned to me; “You got the big coat, you’re up first!” he said.

So we used the bathroom and tried to find our way out of the place. We stumbled upon this super huge swimming pool, and a spa filled with these super fine girls in bikinis. Gavin stood in front of them and pretended to take a selfie to get a sneak shot of them.

Well we went back to go get Will and Sean, and right when we stepped back on the sand, we saw them looking for us. Both of them needed to go to the bathroom now. We all went back inside, and Gavin pointed them in the right direction, while me and him waited on these pool chairs for Will and Sean to use the bathroom. They came back a minute later angrily claiming that Gavin had sent them the wrong way, so he told them more specifically where it was this time.

Ten minutes passed, and Will and Sean returned even angrier than before. They told us that when Sean tried to wash his hands, the little nozzle on the liquid soap dispenser shot up into the air right as he pressed it. He spent a few minutes trying to put it back on, but it kept shooting off again. He was completely convinced that Gavin had somehow tampered with the soap dispenser to sabotage Sean and Will’s bathroom visit.

So me and Gav showed the others the rest of this fancy hotel, and Will was not convinced at all that it was actually a nice hotel. According to him, it was a trashy hotel trying its hardest to masquerade as a fancy one.

While exploring the place, we went up some stairs and found ourselves facing the entrance to a long empty hallway with rooms on either side. In the entrance, there was a lone empty bellhop cart. Will juked around Sean like a basketball player towards the cart.

“Will, don’t you dare get on that cart…” Sean barked. Will ignored the warning and hopped on the cart. He used one leg to propel himself like a skateboarder would. “…without me!” Sean enthusiastically finished while hopping on the back of the cart, giving it further momentum.

The two of them went speeding uncontrollably down the hallway on the cart. One of the wheels got snagged on a door frame, and the whole cart twisted and fell in the middle of the hallway, making a thunderous crash. Surely someone would come to check what the noise was, so the party went running back down the stairs.

We left the hotel, probably having overstayed our welcome. We decided to head over to a park we saw earlier when we had been walking over.

On the way there, however, we ran into trouble. There was a gang of about ten 12-year-olds piled on this golf cart racing it around on street, sidewalk, and grass indiscriminately. They came right at us, and Gavin thought we were about to get hit, only to have them swerve at the last second. They seemed to be trying to test the limits of the cart, because they took sharp corners at high speeds, nearly tipping the thing over.

The danger didn’t stop there, the park was full of crazy things. There was this huge playground full of ledges and crevices, bells and cannons. There were these crazy spinning chairs shaped like three-peddled flowers. They were on an axis and conserved momentum very well, so if you started spinning even slightly, you’d be in for a wild ride. I challenged Sean to a teeter-totter fight, and even jumping my hardest, I couldn’t get my side to go down. It took the combined efforts of both me and Will to finally shift the thing. At one point, Will started running around, and ended up face-to-face with this giant water dragon sticking out of the playground, and legitimately thought the thing was going to kill him.

Playing there wore us out pretty quick, so we laid down on the playground pavement and stared up at the cloudy night sky. As we got quiet we noticed that there were two other people at the park. A boy and a girl, most likely on a date, were sitting on a bench just a few meters away. I think they had been there since before we were there, and had witnessed all of our immature shenanigans.

After that, we still had an hour before our parking expired, so Will and Sean decided that the last thing they wanted to do was go back to the hotel and jump in the pool. They gave me everything in their pockets as we all headed back over there. By now, it was late at night, and everything was locked down. We discussed the possibility of scaling an outdoor staircase to get into the main hotel courtyard, but decided against it, as this would most likely be considered breaking in, as opposed to when we had just walked in the open front gate earlier.

So we all headed back to the car, and passed a Mexican birthday on the way. They had about 15 people, a cake, and come candles at one of the tables.

We got to the car and noticed that the gate to exit the parking lot was completely closed and locked. It was impossible to move the gate. We all started freaking out. It was 20 minutes before the sign said that the park closed.

We tried looking around for the guy responsible for shutting the parking lot, but we couldn’t find him. Gavin saw a guy talking on a cell phone just outside the lot, and thought that it might be him, but Will said that the guy on the phone was just a homeless person.

We spent the next ten minutes arguing about what to do. We thought about maybe spending the night there, calling someone to come get us, coming back for the car later, and calling the police. We searched all the signs in the park for the number of some sort of groundskeeper or maintenance person, but there was no contact info.

That’s when we decided what had to be done: we had to drive the car up onto the grass of the park and out to the part of the parking lot that wasn’t gated in. We walked along the path first, and scouted out which way would be best. The path got pretty narrow in some parts, and the first two ramps down off the grass were either too small for the car, or blocked off. We couldn’t just take the car off the side of the curb, because it was modified to ride low, and would get stuck. Finally we found a sidewalk ramp that just might be big enough. It was right next to the Mexican birthday we saw earlier.

We questioned each other as to whether we should tell the partyers what we were doing, or if they would even care.

“Should we go tell them?”

“Nah, it doesn’t matter.”

“I think someone should tell them so they don’t freak out.”

“I’m not telling them.”

“Who’s going to tell them?”

“You go tell them, because I’m definitely not going over there.”

“What if they get pissed?”

“Then don’t tell them!”

We all started walking away, but Gabin turned around, saying “I’m gonna go tell them.”

He approached their table, and everyone over there suddenly got very quiet. It was dead silent, and Gavin stood right in front of some woman leaning against a pole on the edge of their group. I saw him pointing at the curb ramp, and heard him murmuring something. The awkwardness of it all seemed to slow the whole scene down. I felt some strong second-hand embarrassment.

“Okay, thanks for letting us know,” I heard the woman say, and Gavin started walking back. We got back to Gavin’s car and he got in the driver seat. He was trying for five minutes just to get the car from the closed parking lot on to the park walking path. From there, he took it inch-by-inch down the sidewalk, headlights spreading illumination through the dark, grassy, night field.

The whole time Gavin was doing this meticulous task, Sean, Will, and I were all following the car on foot, jumping up and down while squealing “Oh shit he’s gonna crash! Oh shit he’s gonna crash! He’s gonna wreck his car so bad! Hehe!”

Finally, the car made it into the open parking lot, and Gavin parked in a space and got out so I could take over from there. We were home free.

At the same time, the Mexican birthday next to the ramp we had gotten off of was wrapping up, and people were slowly scattering to their cars and leaving.

I got in the driver’s seat of Gavin’s car, and the rest piled in as well. I was doing my usual before-driving checklist: the lights, the e-break, the mirrors, the seat, the seatbelt. Suddenly, I realized that everyone was yelling in a hushed tone “start the car now! We need to go now! The guy is going to fucking stab us! Start the fucking car we need to get out of here!”

I looked in the direction that everyone else was looking in, but I couldn’t see anyone there. The guy could have been in one of my blind spots, but everyone else was still on shroomies. (Talking about the incident afterward, apparently the guy approaching was a tall, buff, Mexican male covered in tattoos and wearing a striped shirt like Where’s Waldo.) If there was actually a guy coming to our car, I believe to this day that he was one of the attendees to the birthday party, and was coming over to ask us if we had moved our car alright or needed help, or he wanted to show us the proper way to get out of this side of the parking lot, (considering that we did end up accidentally going in a circle once trying to find the way out). The others, especially Will, always attest that they are positive this gentleman had some very malicious intentions for us. When we told Gavin’s dad about this part a few days later, he said “the beach next to that really expensive hotel? That’s a really nice area. You couldn’t get mugged over there even if you tried.”

Anyway, so we drove off before this guy could come talk to, (or mug), us. I drove us all to Nick’s house, while the others were fighting each other in the car with stuffed animals. We got to Nick’s mom’s house and let ourselves in through the back gate. We started playing this car game while everyone except myself had some wine. Pretty soon, Nick’s mom came in the room because she heard our voices.

“Oh, it’s just you guys.”

“Yeah, we thought we’d come over and hang out for a little bit.”

“That’s fine with me, I just heard some voices back here and had to make sure nothing creepy was happening.”

“We can definitely be a little creepy sometimes,” I joked.

“Haha, alright well you guys have a nice night,” she closed the door and left.

Immediately the others tore into me as if I had just summoned the devil.

“Why did you say that? That was awful! Now she totally thinks we’re huge fucking creeps!”

“Wait, what?” I asked dumbfounded, “she seemed like she was totally cool with us, she thought I was funny.”

“No way dude,” Will contested, “you actually saying that we’re creepy makes us actually become super creepy, did you even see how creeped-out she was?”

Nick’s mom, who’d apparently overheard us, re-opened the door and peeked her head inside the room again, “and NONE of you are actually creepy,” she smiled lightheartedly and left again.

“See, I told you she likes us,” I assured the others, but they still wouldn’t believe me. They still don’t believe me to this day.


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