“Tessa you’re going to die!” – 3 July 2014

It all started that Thursday, me Will and Gab took a trip to this pizza place/bar downtown. Inside, we met a nice middle-aged guy watching Big Bang Theory at the bar.

The guy overhears Will saying he doesn’t like the female character’s knees. The guy joins in our conversation saying that the girl actor is actually from around here, and that he doesn’t care about her knees, he just wants his head between her thighs.

Will insists upon his position, so the guy calls Will out and tells him that he doesn’t see a better looking girl on Will’s arm. Me and Gavin couldn’t stop laughing at this guy just thrashing Will. The guy asked what schools we went to when we were in high school.

When he found out that I went to Foothill, he said that’s why I wouldn’t like the show, because it’s not for actual smart people. Will said that the real reason I wouldn’t like the show is because that programming is just like speaking French. Gav and I had no idea where he was going with that.

The subject turned to these girls that were tattooed on the man’s arm; turns out, they were his stepdaughters. He pulled out his phone, and had to put his battery into it, which he kept disconnected because he didn’t want to be tracked.

Will told the guy that all he had to do was put some tinfoil on the phone, and the guy responded saying “yeah, because I’ve got my ass-hat on, right?”

All Gabo could say when he saw the girls was “wow,” because he didn’t want to risk offending the man, but the guy had a good sense of humor and said “yeah, you’re damn right ‘wow’.”

We got some pizza, and couldn’t finish the whole thing, so we left with two slices in the box. Will saw this giant black guy he knew while walking around, and then another guy sitting in this white van alongside the road. We stopped to chat with the guy in the van, and gave him and his girl some pizza.

When Will told this guy in the van that he had seen their mutual friend walking down the street, the guy in the van suggested that me, Gab, and Will jump the black guy.

He went into great detail about how we should crush a thermometer and some oleander and somehow poison this black guy whom I had never even met before. The guy in the van kept ranting and bouncing around in his seat while wiping his nose. He was still talking while we all decided to just walk away. He didn’t notice that we were gone.

We decided to get some ice cream and head to the pier for a while. On the way to get some ice cream, we saw three really good looking ladies walk into the corner store ahead of us. I wanted to get them, but the others said that they were bar hoppers and bad news.

The next day we decided to check out the 4th of July street fair downtown. It was really packed full of people. Some people were even throwing beads to flashers from second story windows. We got a pulled pork sandwich and a tritip one. I pointed out this girl standing in line who’s legs actually bent backwards like a flamingo. Gavin saw a girl, without any legs at all, watching people dance to music, which was especially sad. There were some really nice asses to be seen, and the condensed crowds made it easy for Gavin to sneak photos from the camera hanging from his neck.

That night we watched the fireworks from Gavin’s roof with Charles and Angie as well. We decided to go to Nick’s mom’s house, to see what he was up to. When we got there, we met his mom out front, and Will asked her if we could hang in the man cave for a bit. She informed us that the man cave was gone, likely converted into someone’s room.

The next day it was just me and Gab, so we decided to go pick up chicks at the mall. We rode some bikes there, and immediately upon arriving saw some nice looking alternative/scene girls sitting at a bench near the food court. This group would have been the perfect target, but there was someone with them that looked like Nathan.

Me and Gab took turns trying to initiate conversation with them, but we’d always get scared of Nathan at the last second, turn away, and walk past, like we were calling off an airstrike. After a few failed attempts, we agreed that Nathan totally cock-blocked us.

From the second floor balcony, we spotted a great looking goth girl in an all-black outfit, booty shorts, and high boots. She was standing in line at a Wetzel’s Pretzels. We went down to the ground floor and started following her. I don’t know if she saw us, but she walked fast as fuck in those boots, she was like a gazelle.

We lost her for a little bit, and then found her again at a jewelry kiosk in the middle of the walkway. We stopped like five feet away from her and began discussing whether it was polite to talk to her.

“Go talk to her!”

“I’m not going to talk to her, you do it.”

“Is it okay to talk to her right now?”

“I don’t know.”

“I don’t think we should because she’s holding food and it might get weird.”

“It’s probably fine, we should go do it…”

While we were discussing, she probably heard us, because when we turned around again, she was gone, and we couldn’t find her again.

We had a little snack at Hot Dog on a Stick, some weenie bites and funnel cake sticks. While we were waiting for our food, we were thinking about how to talk to this group of three Hispanic girls sitting a table near us.

I suggested that when we get up to get the food, we sit down at the table right next to the girls. We did, and we ended up right next to them. I then suggested that we offer them a taste of the funnel cake fries with raspberry sauce. Gavin stood up with the thing of cake fries and straight up offered these girls the whole thing. They politely declined. When he sat back down, I explained that I thought we were going to offer them each a fry, and offering them the whole thing probably looked weird. We both agreed on one thing: “those girls were not down.”

We met this really nice punk girl working in Hot Topic. She asked us if we wanted to see her band play at this bar Billy O’s that night. We asked her what her band was like, and she started naming all these punk bands we’d never heard of.

“Do you know Fear?” she asked me.

“Never heard of them.”

“WHAT? YOU DON’T KNOW FEAR?” She seemed genuinely surprised.

“Rooooob, come on, how could you not know Fear?” Gavin chimed in cheekily, even though he had not heard of them himself.

Later that night, we picked up Tessa, and we looked up the bar online to see directions and reviews. It was infamous for having lots of hipsters and poor management. We decided to take our chances and go anyway.

Inside, the reputation, as we found out, was well deserved. It was late at night, but there was a group of high school aged hipsters walking around in the bar. There were like 10 of them, with their silly hats and weird backpacks covered in pop culture and anime references. The bartender was mean and wouldn’t sell Gavin any beer because she thought he would share it with Tessa and I, both being under 21. We ended up leaving that place before the band we came to see even went up (it was close to the time of night we would have had to leave anyway for being under the drinking age).

Instead, we decided to try and find some ladies once again, at a pool hall called Stiix. There were maybe only one or two ladies in the whole hall. After we played a couple rounds, this total noob couple came in and started playing a few tables down from us. We could tell that this was probably their first time. The guy was a goobery Asian dude, but the girl he was with was just top notch. She was wearing cal-length yoga pants, and a breezy white tank top with a figure to die for. The guy was wearing some dopey cargo shorts and a dress shirt. Gav and I discussed how in the world a wierdo like that could get the best girl we’d seen all day; we decided in the end it was because of his pimp sandals. If we had sandals like that, we could get similar ladies.

The funny thing was that the girl walked up to the front to get something, and right next to her on a stool was another girl in the exact same outfit, but plump as she was, could not wear it nearly as good as the first girl. We agreed that to see someone wearing the exact same thing as you but looking 10x better must have been awful.

We had played about five rounds so far, so we decided to have a final round to decide the ultimate champion. Near the end, we were each still in the running, and Tessa was making a high-pressure shot. Right when she was about to shoot, I yelled “TESSA YOU’RE GONNA DIE!”

She totally messed up and the ball went spinning in an unintended direction. She was so taken aback that she started laughing.

“Woooah man,” Gavin teased, “that one went a little too far.”

In the end, I actually won and became the grand champ of pool, so my little outburst was a sound tactical decision.