Getting More Ladies at the Fair than Macklomore – 6 August 2014

The day had been planned about three days prior: It would be me and Gavin, wingmanning each other at the fair to score with ladies. In preparation, we packed lots of snacks, and I made custom flirty-themed cootie-catchers. We had agreed to meet at the government center to take the shuttle to the fair that morning. I arrived a few minutes early, Gavin arrived over an hour late.

I was slightly agitated but decided to swallow it for the sake of the day. We waited in line and climbed on a shuttle. As we were taking off, we looked out the window and noticed Macklomore was in line waiting for the next shuttle. We thought it slightly odd but forgot about it as the bus sped away.

When we arrived at the fair we immediately went into search mode and sought out potential ladies to get. It didn’t take long at all to notice that Macklomore was also at the fair already, and he already had a lady on either side of him.

We vowed that we must get more ladies than him. We didn’t have a prestigious rap career, but we did have a full day to make use of.

We knew a good place to start would be in the area where Nathan’s band played that one time because there were tables there and we would have a semi-captive audience. We saw two young ladies, one blonde and one brunette, sitting at a table with two empty seats. We huddled up for a quick pow-wow and charged in.

“Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?” Gavin asked the ladies, leading the charge.

“No, go ahead,” one of them said, and we were in.

Whatever amatuer band was playing was not too compelling so we immediately engaged the ladies in conversation. Gavin and I fed off each other’s energy and came up with wilder and wilder banter, seeing how much we could get the ladies to believe about us. I was impressed by my own ability to quickly and naturally say witty things. I managed to convince the ladies that I was from Compton, had dropped out of high school, and more often than not had a BAC higher than my GPA.

The ladies were two girls in their mid-teens by the names of Sam and Grace. They were laughing at whatever stupid shit came off the top of my head, so I asked them if they were from that show Sam and Cat and they laughed even harder.

They told me I was too wild and asked if Gavin and I were friends or had just met. I told them that we met 5 minutes beforehand right there at the fair. We obviously had the ladies in the bag, so we collected their Snapchat names and then bounced.

With our score now at two, we were tied with Macklomore, but now we were voracious and confident due to our earlier success.

Without losing time, we were on the hunt again. We came across a balloon-man doing a show, so we sat in the audience for a bit. During the show we were looking around for more possible targets, and we spotted one:

She was a thin girl with short-shorts, emo-style hair, and a Jew-style nose. At first she seemed like a good target, but then we noticed a faggy-looking guy next to her. He had tight pants and an oversized beanie that drooped off his head like a smurf hat. The guy looked a little bit like Justin Berry.

“Damn, Justin Berry cockblocked us, he wasn’t satisfied with just cockblocking Nathan so he had to do us too!” we agreed.

We were a bit demoralized by our first loss, but plunged ahead none the less.

We left the stage area and looked around some art exhibits. It was there we spotted two Latin-looking girls sitting at a table with a binder on it. We decided to pull out our secret weapon for these targets: the custom flirty cootie catcher. We came up and asked if they would like to play, and to our relief they did, they even played along with the consequences the cootie-catcher landed on.

We asked if they were working there and they said no they were just sitting down, and that we weren’t the first to ask them that. We wrapped up the conversation and got their Snapchats, raising our score to four and putting us ahead of Macklomore.

We went back to the main food area with the most tables, and saw Justin Berry with the group of six scene girls that Gavin had told me to talk to at our previous trip to the fair a few days prior. There were two shirtless guys who had painted their faces and torsos to look like skeletons trying to talk to the group of scene girls, but Justin Berry was cockblocking them hard.

Noticing how much effort those guys put in to pick up ladies only to get cockblocked by Justin Berry made us realize that Justin Berry does not have an agenda; Justin Berry is not a person who cockblocks, but a cockblocking force of nature. Like a natural disaster he cockblocks for all people indiscriminately, not because he chooses to, but because that is his existence.

We decided to check out the garden exhibit, and looked at all the plants. There were some interesting things, I recognized some sculptures from Legend of Zelda among the plants. Suddenly two girls I had known since middle school recognized me.

“Hey Sasuke!” one of them called out, (an ongoing joke since that is what I had introduced myself as in sixth grade). I introduced them to Gavin and we caught up on old times for a bit before they had to go. We decided that those girls counted towards our tally and added two points.

Then we went to see if we could pet some horses. Outside the stable, we ran into a girl with a clipboard who tried to get us to register to vote. We were both already registered, but we managed to convince her to play the flirty cootie catcher game.

She landed on the fate of telling one secret aloud. Her secret was that she only got one person to register to vote so far, and she did it by practically begging the guy. We recommended that she’d have more luck using a balloon animal instead of a clipboard, as the clipboard probably scares people away. She recommended that we replace our cootie catcher with a balloon animal so we don’t get in trouble. Touche, vote girl. We added another point to our tally.

Now at the stable, we were in front of the horses, but too scared to pet them. The horses were each inside their room, and were peaking their head out over a gate. While we hesitated, some guy holding an infant came over and held the infant out to a horse, and the infant proceeded to casually pet the horses head. I wasn’t going to be shown up like that so I petted the horse as well, and it was pretty nice.

As we were walking away from the stables we passed a horse making weird noises. Big globs of saliva and orange bits were coming out of its mouth and it was constantly chewing. We realized that it was probably choking on a carrot.

After that we hit some major setbacks in our efforts: We went to another exhibit, this one was filled with interesting old-fashioned mechanical toys. My feet were a little tired so I sat down and had a snack while Gav took the reins and tried to get some ladies solo.

He asked me about two rather attractive ladies at the other end of the exhibit, I warned him that they looked a little stuck up. Undeterred, he went over and I watched him talk to one of the ladies for about 15 minutes, unsure what was being said. Then, he returned to me saying that the ladies were mean. He then approached a different group of ladies sitting at a nearby bench with the flirty cootie catcher asking if they wanted to play, but they declined.

We were down on our luck and we needed a win, little did we know, our next targets would be our biggest win of the day. It was a group of three ladies at a table in the band area. We went in with our standard routine and secured two seats with them. Briana was on the left, she had braces, dark hair, and sunglasses; next to her was Lauren, she was tall and wore reading glasses; to her right was Kay, the most talkative, she had bold red lipstick, a fancy fedora, and she dressed like a star from the Disney channel.

Gavin asked them why they were all so different, and not coordinating their outfits. Kay shot back asking why Gavin had a watch and I didn’t. Using my earlier tactic of spouting whatever nonsense that popped in my head, (in this case it happened to be semi-related song lyrics), I offered the rebuttal “New Rolex ain’t got the time of day!” She bursted out laughing and I knew I was in.

Gavin offered to treat the ladies out to pizza but they declined, wanting to see a hypnotist perform instead. He almost got them to bungee jump by agreeing to do it with them, but they chickened out. We talked about the band that was coming to perform that night (Seether), and when they mispronounced the name, I took the opportunity to make fun of them, asking “what was it again? See-er? Skeeter? Speeder?”

They recommended that we try the spiral fries, and Gavin asked them the difference between spiral and curly fries. After they explained what each was, I told Kay that I knew the reason she was so obsessed with spiral fries: so the hypnotist could use them to spin around and hypnotize people. She laughed at the absurdity, and then reapplied her lipstick and blotted it with a napkin.

“Why would you put lipstick on and then take it right back off?” Gavin teased her.

“Ugh! Shut up!” she jabbed back playfully.

We collected their Snapchats, adding three points to our score and then went to go get pizza. After that it was time for the main concert of the day: Skeeter.

The Skeeter concert was so loud, it shook the ground. I could not hear what Gavin was saying even when he yelled it in my ear. I had my mom’s cell phone, and her friend Colleen kept calling repeatedly. We would answer the phone and hold it out to listen to the concert.

Whenever an especially intense part of a song came on, a spiraling mosh-pit would form in the center of the crowd, and me and Gav both dared each other to enter it. Jimmy was in there hopping around, he seemed to be especially enjoying himself.

We both agreed to go into the mosh pit, but I was first. The second I stepped into the pit, a shirtless, hulking Goliath of a man eyed me down from across the pit and charged right at me, roaring and knocking people aside in the process. When he reached me, he picked me up with both hands, rotated me 90 degrees, and tossed me into the crowd. I went flying through the air before smacking into a poor girl, who absorbed the entirety of my momentum. I could vividly hear her scream out “WHAT THE FUCK!” as she tumbled along the dirt.

It was a glorious day. In the end, Gav and I got 11 ladies total compared to Macklomore’s 2.

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